Medicine Cabinet Manifesto

On behalf of the Bathroom Board, the Powder Room Guild, the Water Closet Society, the Joint John Committee, and the Necessary Room Network, I am authorized to deliver this Medicine Cabinet Manifesto: We, your medicine cabinets, refuse to be taken for granted much longer! 

You look into our mirrors every day, but all you see are your own red-eyed reflections.  You may think we are but bathroom fixtures, but you are wrong!  You cannot guess the secret lives of medicine cabinets.  You treat us like furniture, shove stuff on our shelves, slam our doors, forget we are even here waiting for you until you need something.  We protect your precious sundries while you go on about your daily business, ignoring us.  Ours is a thankless job. 

Take your medicine cabinets seriously:  we hold your health and well-being on our narrow shelves.  When someone gets hurt or sick, where do you go?  Need a bandage?  Have a headache?  Is your tummy upset?  We take care of you.  Do you worry about bad breath, body odor, unsightly facial hair?  Need a bit of cosmetic enhancement?  Help is behind Door Number One…   

But are we treated with respect?  Hardly.  We medicine cabinets have toothpaste juice flicked on our faces, and no one ever says, “Sorry.”  We get smeared with fingerprints, but does anyone take the time to give us a nice refreshing wash off?  No, you just try to look around the smudges till cleaning day. 

Shall we talk about hostile working environments?  You frown into our mirrors, complain about the dark circles under your eyes, the wrinkles, the blemishes, the gray hairs – like it’s our fault.  All you care about is yourself!  And might I remind you that our jobs are “in the toilet” – literally!  You should be nicer to us – after all, we medicine cabinets see you at your worst:  first thing in the morning, before your extreme make-over takes place.  And – how shall I put this politely?  Even in the ladies’ room, perfume is not the only thing one can smell!  BTW, when you take your hot showers, and the mirror steams up, don’t blame us!  It really IS the heat AND the humidity!  

We medicine cabinets keep your family secrets – so your must pay attention to our minimum demands:

n       Clean our mirrors more often!

n       Dust us off now and then!

n       Decorate us once in awhile!  Perch a cheerful rubber ducky on the top ledge.  Make us festive for the holidays with colorful window clings on the glass – we want to join the celebrations!  Best of all, stick a note on the mirror – where you know everyone will look eventually.  We love to see the smiles when someone is surprised with a message like:  “I love you!”, “You look marvelous!”, or “Put your robe back on! God/Goddess/Santa/Sister Mary Meanness is always watching you!” 

Ignore this warning at your own risk.  You have no idea what goes on behind our closed doors.  We are not bluffing.  The Medicine Cabinet Cabal has mysterious ways of making the spills get worse.  Your “sterile strips” may not be as germ-free as you hope…  That new pain reliever you know you just bought will disappear, never to be seen again.  Suddenly the expiration dates on all you medical supplies will be passed.  Your favorite tweezers will be called to tweezer heaven.  No matter how hard you try, just as you fear, the shelf clutter WILL WIN. 

And when Aunt Agatha visits, and excuses herself to freshen up from her trip, so she can treat herself to a little in-the-best-interest-of-the-family snooping, your collection of moisturizers will mysteriously move, so she can see what she always suspected you had:  herpes treatment, nerve pills, hemorrhoid cream, or that yeast infection suppository kit. 

Next time your medicine cabinet’s hinges need oiling, or the door won’t quite shut, be afraid, very afraid!  This is a bad omen.  Initiate repairs immediately!  You are being warned:  the Malicious Million Medicine Cabinet March is on the Move!

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9 Responses to “Medicine Cabinet Manifesto”

  1. lorigloyd Says:

    MOST Excellent!…. and you know, the shelf clutter HAS won at my house. I have a bottle of ibuprofen with an expiration date of 5/97. I really do need to de-clutter……

    Well done.

  2. kvwordsmith Says:

    Thanks for giving me the idea!
    The shelf clutter won in my medicine cabinet years ago – and has spread throughout the whole house!

  3. shewolfy728 Says:

    Oh my! This is so funny and unfortunately true! You have successfully made me feel sorry for my medicine cabinet (whose shelves runneth over, and could I find the tummy stuff the other night! No!)

  4. espirit07 Says:

    Okay, sold! As soon as I recover from a cold, my medicine cabinet and the dishes better beware. I’m rolling the OCD!

  5. Heather Blakey Says:

    I always know my cleaner has been by the bathroom. The bathroom LOVES her. It is not so keen on the lad who leaves his whiskers everywhere.

  6. Traveller Says:

    this is great Kerry. I am afraid to say that the clutter fairy took one look at my house and decided she needs to return with a larger wand

  7. jodhiay Says:

    I’ve heard that you can get even with medicine cabinet snoopers by (somehow) carefully loading it up with ball bearings, marbles, or similar round, small, slippery objects and closing the door. When the snooper opens it, the ball bearings fall out and LOUDLY give them away.

    I don’t have the heart to do that to someone.

    I have a feeling a missive from the fridge set is soon to come from Kerry, and I’m already hanging my head in shame!

  8. ravenofthesilkroad Says:

    ….running off to clean and to properly attire the bathroom here…..
    excellent–uhm–manifesto
    surely to be heard round the world as more bathrooms continue the revolt….

  9. Amber Says:

    Hiya!. Thanks a bunch for the blog. I’ve been digging around for info, but there is so much out there. Google lead me here – good for you i guess! Keep up the good work. I will be coming back over here in a few days to see if there is any more info.

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